Disembarking the Hype Train: Reasons to Stem Your E3 Excitement

So it seems that at least one other writer for this site is excited for E3. He shouldn’t be. E3 is the time of bullshit, the time of lofty promises and crushing realities. Here’s a list of but a few disappointments that you should probably expect:

Vita No Longer Lives

Last month, Andrew House, CEO of SCE, referred to the Vita and it’s screen-less counterpart the PlayStation TV as “legacy consoles,” at least in the West. That means a few things: no Vita 3000, rapidly decling hardware support, and less Western games. Although this may not affect you if you already have a Vita, it does not show confidence in the platform from where it matters most – Sony. But fans of Japanese games will still probably have way more NepNep Hyperdimension Neptunia games to play for years down the line.

EA Will Promise Nothing and Somehow Deliver Less

Remember EA’s presser last year? Of course you don’t, because it had almost nothing in it. It was mostly sports games and the promise of “Oh yeah, we’re working on something, don’t worry!” Oh, and this joker:

"OH, THE FEEEEELS"
“OH, THE FEEEEELS”

But what about Mass Effect? Battlefront? Battlefield? We might see them, but I wouldn’t expect anything more substantial than we’ve already seen, just more selling of ideas. And no, we won’t see Mirror’s Edge, stop asking.

Ubisoft is the Worst Dogsitter

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate is just about the only thing we know about Ubisoft coming into E3. Well, that, and the inevitable Just Dance 6,432,652: Hot Dance ’98 Edition. Maybe we’ll see Watch Dogs 2. It’ll suck. Another Rabbids game. That’ll suck, too. And be sure to stick around for the compulsory 10 minute ad for their cartoon series.

Xbox Ones Will Now Be Sold In Terms of Storage per Pound

Amazon accidentally listed a $400 Xbox One with a -gasp- 1 TB hard drive. We’re 2 years into this console cycle. And I have like 3 VCRs smaller than my Xbox. Microsoft comes screaming out with a console with more storage, and that’s it?! Ridiculous. Maybe we’ll get the Killer Instinct Divekick character pack instead. Also, the odds of seeing Quantum Break are looking pretty slim, but we’ll see.

Game Ghosts Coast to Coast

Sometimes, people just can’t give up on their unobtainable dreams. They work and work, and try to scrape their way to their goal, but never achieve it. On the other hand, people who think The Last Guardian is coming out are just idiots. Seriously, guys, it’s not funny anymore. Stop it. We are never getting the game. Ever. EVER. All these games, and you just keep focusing on this one piece of vaporware. The horse has been beaten to death, back to life, and then killed again, because you people just won’t let it rest in peace. Putting aside impossible games and morbid metaphors thereof, there will be one other notable absence this year – Cyberpunk 2077. CD Projekt Red’s new game based on the well-loved tabletop RPG will not be shown this year. Or next year. We’ll be lucky if we see it in 2017. But at least they’re WORKING ON IT.

Damn Straight
Damn Straight

So did I miss anything? What else are you prepping to be disappointed about? Leave a comment or hit us up at @ABOGJAuthors on Twitter.

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